Play and art are the natural vehicles for young children to express and work through their feelings about difficult relationships and experiences, strengthen the caregiver-child bond, and develop social-emotional skills. How we as caregivers engage in play/art with our children can maximize this inherently powerful process. I will share a list of “dos and don’ts” for parents and caregivers to rip the mental health benefits of play and artistic creation; in daily interactions at home, and recreational activities. The following tips can be applied to one-on-one play between a caregiver and a child, as well as group of family members and friends playing at once.
First, a note on child-led play/art. Letting a child lead the play with a caregiver means that the child can choose the toys, games or art materials, as well as the story line of the play or themes of the art creations. The role of the caregiver is to ensure safety and to create an environment of acceptance and empathy (more in this below). Please note that child-led play with parents is not a substitute for play therapy, which is provided by trained mental health professionals (more information here and below).
Dos
Let the child lead the story.
When young children lead their own play/art, they naturally express their perceptions of the world around them. Given that their ability to express thoughts verbally is limited (due to age or emotional maturity), creating stories in the play or images in art is their primary outlet for thoughts and feelings. This is often the only opportunity for children to be listened to by loving adults without directing them; as most of the day children are told what to do or how by parents and teachers.
Create an accepting and empathic environment.
Creating an accepting environment is simple: listen, ask open-ended questions (“What happens next? What is this in your picture?”) and avoid making comments (“You should be proud of yourself for running so fast”, which prevents the child from expressing how they feel about running).
Empathizing with the feelings that children express can be more challenging because this is a trigger of our own feelings. For example, when children feel frustrated about struggling during a recreational activity, we have the tendency to tell to feel positive because we want to avoid their suffering. However, this response unintentionally conveys that it is not OK to feel frustration. An empathic response is: “It makes sense that you feel frustrated. I have felt like that too.” When children feel accepted and understood, they can express their feelings more genuinely, which is essential for their emotional health and for a close relationships.
Coach when needed.
The challenges that may arise during play and art making are excellent opportunities for children to practice problem-solving, reciprocity and self-regulation. For example, making figurines out of clay together can present technical challenges (falling apart, breaking) that can lead to helping each other as a team, as well as to intense feelings of disappointment, sadness and anger. As emotional coaches, we first allow time for the children to find solutions and clam down. If they have not yet developed these skills, we then help by role-modeling patience, persistence, asking for help and self-calming.
Don’ts
Don’t correct or fix.
The purpose of child-led play/art is not to teach them how they should play or create art, because directing them diminishes the benefits of child-led creations (see above). For example, when we comment “your picture of a horse looks more like a dog,” the child may feel criticized or attempt to make “perfect pictures.”
A more challenging example is when a child expresses a feeling that goes against our own goals. If my own child enacts with the dolls a big sister hitting her baby brother, my emotional reaction is to tell her that big sisters should not hit their baby brothers; yet this would prevent her from expressing her feelings (potentially that she feels jealous towards her brother). Expressing this through pretend play does not imply that she will hit her brother in reality…please read on!
Don’t’ worry about confusion between pretend play and reality.
Children as young as 2 years old can understand that in pretend play and art we can do the things that are not possible or allowed in reality. In the example above, my daughter has the opportunity to symbolically hit her baby brother through the doll play, while she knows that in reality she cannot hit her brother, because I have already made that rule clear for our family. It can help to make this difference by emphasizing the pretend nature of the play (“Let’s pretend that in this imaginary family the sister can hit the brother”).
Don’t favor competitive games.
Mainstream American culture places a high value on competitive games and artistic performance. While this can be encouraging and exciting, it can also have the side-effects of perfectionism, stress, low self-confidence and anxiety for some children. Many children turn their competitive stance into rivalry and conflict towards siblings and close friends. Our families and communities benefit from more emphasis on collaboration and mutual support. It is rare to find collaborative games, where the players work to win as a team, rather than play against each other. My favorite collaborative board games are “Hoot Owl Hoot,” “Yoga Garden,” and “Yoga Spinner.” Art making lends itself to collaborative projects: group collage, chalk mural as a family, crafty decorations for the home, etc.
Above all, do enjoy yourself while playing and bonding with your children! This is an opportunity to allow your own inner child to get down on the floor, get messy, be silly, let your imagination fly, and create beautiful memories!
Additional Resources
For more social-emotional resources for families with young children, please visit the handouts and videos in my Parent Resources webpage and my blog “Amare News”. I also recommend the book “Play Therapy Activities. 101 Play-Based Exercises to Improve Behavior and Strengthen the Parent-Child Connection” by Melissa LaVigne. If you are concerned about certain themes that a child may show in play/art repetitively, please consult with a mental health professional trained in play or art therapy with young children. Although it is natural for children to show repetitive themes; most children seem to resolve or outgrow the themes after a few repetitions. Children who have had traumatic experiences or have temperament traits of high rigidity, high persistence and low adaptability would benefit from building coping skills through family therapy involving the parents.