Has your child’s anxiety spike before an important event or a life change? This is common for children who experience performance anxiety, separation anxiety and social anxiety, as the pressure and uncertainty triggers the nervous system to watch out for potential threats to their psychological safety. Although anxiety has the purpose of preparing us for upcoming events, too much causes suffering and avoidance.
Signs that the anxiety is hindering are: sleep and eating problems, clinging to the parents, toilet accidents, withdrawn behavior, and avoiding the event (first day of school/camp, public speaking, academic tests, artistic performances, sports competitions, etc.)
Reducing anxiety helps us to approach the important events/changes with the confidence that is necessary for performing well and enjoying. You can coach your child to develop this coping skill with the “mind trick” of the 3Ps that I have refined as child & family psychotherapist and mental health consultant . I have done it with young children (10 and under), though it can be adapted for teenage and adult anxiety too!
3Ps
Human beings do their best work when they experience the right amount of pressure, what psychologists Robert Yerkes and John Dodson called “the area of best performance.” We can intentionally decrease the anxiety to a level that is not too high and not too low. The 3Ps are about becoming comfortable with the following three elements of People, Place and Practice in preparation for the important event; which decreases the uncertainty and increases the sense of control.
People
Doing something difficult surrounded by strangers is more intimidating than doing it surrounded by friends or acquaintances. Help your child to become comfortable with some of the people who will be at the important event by hosting “get to know you visits” with the adults (teachers, coaches, instructors, audience), and play dates with peers in the weeks before the event. Building connections may be better in small groups and simple environments, as anxious children would have difficulty in large and socially complex environments (such as large group play dates for rising kindergarteners). Having at least some “friends” around during the important event goes a long way for feeling supported and comfortable.
Place
Becoming familiar with the place where the important event will happen (classroom, auditorium, field) requires visiting and spending some time there in advance. Coach your child to become familiar with the entrance, the path to get the spot where they will be, and how they will move in the space, in order to increase the sense of predictability of the event. Having mental images will greatly help with the next step. If we do not have access to the place, for example when the school is closed during the summer, it is helpful to peek through the windows, see the outside of the place, and look at photos/videos of the inside.
Practice
It would be ideal to rehearse for the event in the place where it will happen! If this is not possible, coach your child to imagine themselves going through the steps of the event using the mental images we gathered. An appropriate imaginary rehearsal for young children is to play out the event using expressive toys (figurines, dolls, stuffies, legos). It is best to initiate this as casual play, and then let the child lead how they imagine the event would unfold. This way, they can have an opportunity to express their feelings and have a sense of control on the event, without perceiving that the parent might be pushing them to practice.
If the anxiety is severe or the family is under significant stress, I can assist this process as part of child & family counseling or parent coaching.
Get additional coping skills for school-related anxiety at my blog and parent resources: